A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!?

The husband, a typically non-romantic Yorkshireman, replied,

          "I am on the toilet.  Please advise."

 

 

New person in prison

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

 

Ze Germans

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.



Prison vs Work
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make
things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

 

The Obedient Wife   
There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, & was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife,"When I die, I want you to take all
my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." 
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. 

Well, he died. 

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket, the wife said, 

"Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. 

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband." 

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
 
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife."I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a Cheque.... If he can cash it,  then he can spend it."

 

Oh dear, that's why I don't get much done.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

 Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.  This is how it manifests itself:

 I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at the car and decide it needs washing. As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier. I decide to go through it before I wash the car. I put keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

 But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post box when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, So I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over, the coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.  As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water. I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

 I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, Il be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor, so I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

 At the end of the day:  The car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.

 I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

 Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

 

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!